Nothing can prepare you for the five days of hajj. In my opinion. Tomorrow is the day of Tarwiyah, the 8th of Thul Hijjah, the first day of the five days of hajj. I am nerve wracked. Even as I write this my fingers are unsteady over the keyboard.
Category: random hajj posts
Makkah: entry 3: The Kaba and I
I know that I have an attachment to the Kaba, because when I’m away from it for too long, I miss it and yearn to look at it-despite the crowds. But I don’t think that I am doing justice to my invitation from Allah to be here.
When I see how others react to the Kaba-how they want to physically be up against it, touch it all the time, how they push and hurt each other to get to the black stone, I cannot fathom it at all. I don’t have that kind of emotional attachment to the Kaba.
The first time I got an opportunity to touch the Kaba one night, all I could do was touch it lightly and pull my hand back. I was too overwhelmed by the people around me who were hanging onto it, crying and pushing to rub themselves against it.
All I could do was stand there and think: “It’s only stone.” The way the hujaaj touch each item of significance and kiss their hands reminds me of the time when the Kaba was surrounded by idols and people were tawaafing around these idols. Not to say that these people are idol-worshippers, Astaghfirullah, no, but their actions are reminiscent of that kind of worship.
I cannot understand how people can hurt each other to kiss the black stone and to hang onto the multazam. Today at supper however, I got a glimpse into the emotion behind these acts: An old aunty who has travelled with me and whom I have likened to my mom, told me about her experience.
She managed to hang onto the door of the Kaba, touch the Multazam and make 2 rakaats right infront of the Kaba. She said that she made her niyaat to do these things when we first arrived at the Kaba and that she wanted to be close to Allah’s house as when will she get the opportunity to be back here?
This was such an emotional experience for her, one that I could not understand no matter how hard I tried. Maybe it had to do with her age, that this was the first time she was here and that she doubted she would be back. Maybe her love for Allah is so much stronger than mine or maybe these tangible objects made her belief stronger. I don’t know. All I know is that I would not do that, so there might be something wrong with me.
I have no wish to touch the black stone if it involves pushing up against men. I keep playing in my mind a narration of Bukhaari that states that as Aishah RA was making tawaaf, a woman said to her, “come kiss the Hajar Aswad, O Ummul Mu’mineen.” She refused to do so (because of the crowds). And: Abdullah bin Abbaas RA said to never crowd the Hajar Aswad, never harm anyone and never be the target of harm.
I guess it’s different for everyone. It’s true what people say: everyone has a different experience of the Kaba. We are all unique with regards to our relationship with Allah. While that aunty felt comfortable pushing her way to perform those acts that meant so much to her, I am not even comfortable making tawaaf so close up against men.
Despite our differences though, we are all here for the same reason: to seek the pleasure and forgiveness of The Almighty Allah, and that’s the beauty of Makkah.
Makkah: entry 2
Time passes by so quickly here in a day, yet I feel as though I have not done even an iota of what I planned to do in Makkah, with regards to my spiritual-self. It is the third day that I am in the Holy Land and I haven’t even performed a second umrah!
Living in Makkah is not easy. When Sheikh Alexander said back home that shaytaan is rife here in Makkah I didn’t want to believe it. Being here these past few days however, I can now bear witness to that statement.
The love that I had for all the hujaaj in Medinah has fast grown into irritation. I get so disturbed with the Turkish and Indian women who have a habit of pushing one from behind, even when there is no need whatsoever to do so.
It takes so much out of me not to stand erect and use all my body-weight against them when they push me. I know that they are older women and that I could easily hurt them back if I put in the effort, but of course I would not do such a thing. But these are the kind of thoughts that run in one’s mind- a prominent example of the power of shaytaan over here.
Makkah during Hajj time is definitely not for the fainthearted. Or should I say for those who are used to being pampered, served on and being treated with respect and dignity. Makkah is hot, its streets are crowded with people who do not give a flying-fart about you; who won’t even give you as much as a glance let alone a smile, and it is dirty and dusty. And you better watch where you walk, lest you step into green sputum lying all over the roads!
There are always people- wherever you turn you will bump into somebody. There is no peace, no calm. Even when you are in the midst of ibadah, somebody will knock your head with a bag, or tramp on you whilst in sujood, or push you so that your entire body turns away from the Kaba. I am struggling so much to find that tranquillity that I had in Medinah. It’s hard and you have to be a strong person, a focussed person to be able to reach a spiritual peak over here.
I am also struggling to connect to the rich history of the place- dating as far back as to the first creation of mankind, Nabi Aadam (AS). The tall buildings, huge crowds, overpowering lighting and building equipment do not help the situation. Was this the same Kaba that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) would sit in front of and make dua’? Find peace at? Talk to his Rabb in front of?
While I am saddened by all of this I have come to the realisation that this is supposed to be hard- hajj is not about that feeling of ecstasy that you get when speaking to your Rabb alone in a darkened room, or that high that you feel after you know that you have done something that will please Allah.
Instead it is about sacrifice- are you going to still make Tahajud even though you know that you are not feeling good about it? Or are you going to leave it because you think, in your narrow mind’s-eye, that it is not worth it? Are you going to still be kind to that Indian aunty who just shoves your kind gesture without even so much as a thank you? Are you doing these acts for Allah or for yourself?
It is a test of patience, endurance, sacrifice. Makkah was established on these qualities, the sacrifices of Ebrahim (AS), Hajar (AS) and Isma’eel (AS). The sacrifices of the last prophet, his companions: the likes of Sumayyah RA, Khadeejah RA, Abu Bakr RA, Bilal RA… the list is exhaustive.
It is with this frame of mind that I have to perform my ibadah here. That I look forward to the days of hajj with- the heat, the crowds, the lack of infrastructure. I have to remember this, or else I will fall into the devil’s web of deception: by complaining, being ungrateful and being lazy. May Allah make it easy for all the hujaaj, amen.
Makkah- entry 1
The Kabah is not as I thought it would be- this overpowering structure of intense black and gleaming gold. Nor is it as big as it seems to be on T.V. On the contrary, it’s so plain, it’s actually just perfect!
My initial reaction upon seeing the Kabah for the first time was: is this it? it didn’t look real to me. Then I realised the beauty of it being so plain- it is not the stone structure that is holy, nor is it the Kiswah that grants miracles. The Kabah is merely a symbol; a representation of unity, history and the Omnipresence of Allah.
It is said that Allah’s Arsh is just above the kabah and it’s amazing how one can actually feel the energy vibrating in concentric circles around it.
Despite the day’s journey from Medinah, despite the aches and throbbing in one’s bones, everyone on our bus from Medinah seemed to be bursting with energy before the first Umrah. Old ladies in our group could even manage the sae’e ahead of younger ones and old men were more than ready to raml (type of running-action) between the green lights. Tears flowed in abundance from burning red eyes. SubhanAllah, it is the kind of adrenaline you hear about in fairy tales!
The highlight of my first Umrah was the plainness of the Kabah. This thought was so striking- it is the centrepoint of millions of worshippers, nay trillions over the ages, and yet it remains void of embellishment, trimmings and undue decorations. This is so fitting as we do not worship the kabah but Allah is the only One worthy of our devotions.
Medinah: last entry
It’s the last time that I sit inside Masjidun Nabawey. At least for this journey of hajj. I thought that I would be experiencing deep emotions- sadness, anxiety, total withdrawal. But to my amazement, I am completely calm.
I visited the Rawdah and the kabr for the last time to say my farewell greeting last night and I knew that it would be a while before I returned, insha Allah. Despite it all I am ready to embark on the next step of my journey: my first umrah.
Excitement gurgles inside me just as I think about seeing the kabah for the first time, completing my first umrah, the five days of hajj. Ultimately this is the reason that I made this journey, that I left my two-year old daughter, my home, my family and my job, for seven weeks: to ‘labayk’ in the presence of my Lord.
I don’t know if it’s normal to be feeling excitement instead of compete sadness to be leaving Medinah. I don’t know how I’m supposed to part with Medinah- the proper etiquette as taught by a learned shaiykh. All I know is that I am ready for Makkah!
I am ready to chant: “Here I am, oh Allah, here I am.” I am ready to be washed clean of my sins, I am ready for my heart to be cleansed, my book of deeds to be cleansed, and my life to start on a clean note.
It is up to Allah to accept my lame attempts at worship, but I have faith and hope in His Acceptance, and in His Mercy. May He take us there safely, hearts bursting with hope, joy, love and at peace. “Labayk Allah huma labayk!”
Madinah: Entry 3
It’s so easy to forget that one is in Madinah, a blessed land. Life has become so routine: living around salaah, and ibadah that one forgets that there is something such as work, washing, cooking, babies! The night-life is particularly striking, especially on Thursday nights, which marks the weekend over here.
The shops are open up until midnight, children are playing in the streets at that time and families with small babies are walking and doing their shopping. When do the people of Madinah sleep?!
I started shopping for those back home and realised just how stressful it can be- especially for someone who hates shopping! Here, shopping seems like a never-ending story. There are so many people that you want to buy something for-all those who have helped you along your journey to this place- and you want to buy the perfect gift. You want to buy something that will mean something to everyone, not just some scarf that was made all the way in China!
But, as usual I have buckled under the pressure of customary norms and so am out buying Sameeras for aunties and Itir for uncles. Rakams are a favourite too.
All this shopping and I haven’t even bought one thing for myself! On that note, I was so inspired yesterday by one of the Arab women who was giving us a naseeghah in English as we were waiting to get into the Rawdah.
She was saying that a woman is not supposed to dress in a flashy manner that will make men look at her. Woman are not supposed to wear perfume outside of their homes, and she quoted a hadith that the Prophet (PBUH) was reported to have said that a women who leaves her home wearing perfume is a fornicator, and he repeated it three times.
Thus I was inspired to not buy myself flashy abayas or scarves and I am being extra careful not to wear perfume out of the hotel room. I hope that I will be able to be strong enough to carry it through once back home. That, I suppose, is the biggest challenge- living back home the way you lived here, despite the test of modern society.
On a different note, I am extremely disappointed in myself. My level of spirituality has dropped rapidly since I first arrived here. Going to the Rawdah has become second-nature and such a common thing that I have begun to take it for granted. I am actually scheduling my time in the masjid so that I have time to shop! How could I let this happen in the city of the Prophet?
I was so saddened by this and then was reminded of a hadith when the companions of the Prophet complained to him (PBUH) that when they were with him their emaan was so strong, but when they went home to their families, it dropped. He (PBUH) then replied that there is a time for everything, including ibadah, family, sleep etc.
So with this in mind I ventured off to visit our beloved Rasul (PBUH) hoping for a lift in emaan. SubhanAllah, it is like visiting him (PBUH) when he was alive! The mere presence of his kabr and the Rawdah opened up my heart again and it hit home- for the second time- that I was in Madinah tul Munawarah.
It is so important to actually stop what you are doing, breathe, take a long look around you and let the beauty of where you are at seep in. Otherwise it may all just be another day, in another city, living another way of life.
Medina – entry 2
Today was a heart-wrenching one as we visited mount Uhud and the burial-ground of the 70 martyrs who were killed in the battle of Uhud. I kept remembering how Hamza (RA), the lion of Allah, was brutally murdered and mutilated- the thought was more than overwhelming.
I kept hoping that I too, my family and progeny can be of those who are the fighters of this deen. I kept asking Allah not to make us of those who disobey the khalifah/ruler, like those 50 archers who disobeyed our beloved Rasool (PBUH) and left their post to run for the booty of this world.
The drive to Masjidul Quba was equally emotional- I imagined the beloved Prophet and Abu Bakr (RA) riding into Quba, the very same ground that I was standing on, and the people of Medinah chanting: “Taala-al Badru Alayna…”
SubhanAllah! I pictured the prophet carrying heavy bricks with his own hands to build this masjid. He was the leader of the muslims, yet he worked like your regular Jack. What humility.
And thinking of that made me realise that coming to Medinah is not only about making 40 consecutive salaahs in Masjidun Nabawey, praying on the Rawdah and greeting the blessed kabr of the prophet (PBUH). It’s about emulating his (PBUH) lifestyle- and what a perfect time to do so, when there are thousands of Muslims to help, hundreds of thousands to greet, to speak to, to smile at and to share with.
I was especially pleased today because I was touched so much by the history of Medinah that I managed to, for a day, polish my character. I shared my salaah mat with 2 Indonesians, I helped a malayzian old woman with her cellphone, I was able to help a Turkish woman with her Quraan and I gave some naseeghah to a fellow South African, Alhamdullilah.
I also managed to converse with a young lady from Medinah- she is studying Computer Science and so can speak English. Upon parting we wished each other well and I said to her: “Ini Uhibuka Fillahi- I love you for the sake of Allah”-and I did, I really did.
I love everyone here for that reason. I think my favourite people so far are the Turks. I have this spot in the masjid and it is usually occupied by Turkish women. Even though we don’t understand a word of each other’s language, we manage to communicate some way or other and they always share their food with me- they always have food with them!
The air of Medinah has crept into my heart and I think a part of me will never cease to yearn to be here. But I doubt that I would be able to live here- the people are too beautiful. I think Allah reserves this place for special people; beautiful people. I may be too corrupted to be of those. My Sheikh always says that Medinah will spit you out if you are evil, if you are not worthy. It cleanses itself in a sense.
One of the hardest things I have to endure though is being away from my husband most of the time. Many people said that I was lucky to be embarking on this journey with my husband; that we will grow in love and toward Allah, like a second honeymoon (well, in my case a first!) But I find that I am hardly with him.
Between every waqt I am rushing to get a place in the Masjid. The women’s section is far too small to accommodate all the women who frequent the masjid during the hajj period. We have about 3 sections/doors earmarked for women, the rest are for men. Most of the time we sit outside on the mataaf (area just outside of the masjid).
Sometimes I get angry since why can’t they open up another section for us? The men can leave their rooms while the athaan is going and still get a place inside the masjid while we women have to leave an hour before the waqt or we will be outside.
Then I remember that I am not in South Africa, particularly in Cape Town. We C.T women are spoilt when it comes to the masjid- we have our own places for worship, proper whudhu facilities, places for studying and learning and places for halaqah and ‘itikaaf, alhamdullilah.
I suppose I just have to get acclimatised to the way of life here. I love Medinah, and would love to come to study and live here one day, insha Allah. The deen is so pure and pristine here- there is no difference of opinion, no bi’dah, no following of sheikhs and people, just the sunnah, in its perfect form.
Madinah – Day 1
I was so pleased for having the opportunity to pour zam zam for an old Turkish woman in Masjidun Nabawey. She looked at me almost surprised, but accepted the offer graciously. I like the Turks. Despite what people have told me about them before this trip to Medina and Mecca. People said that the Turkish women are rough, that they will push you and trample you even. I guess there is some truth to what they say, but they do it not without their reasons.
They care for their old, they have a strong sense of sisterhood, and they have an unprecedented love for the Beloved Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessings be upon him). So how different are they from us?
Turks are just one of the highlights of Medina. Of course, the main one being the Kabr of the blessed Rasull (PBUH), his companions; Abu Bakr and Umar (RA), and the piece of Heaven on earth: Rawdatul Jannah. One can never get enough of the Rawdah!
The Arab women are nice too, Malaysians are very polite, kind of remind me of South Africans, and I say that with as much modesty as possible!
I haven’t seen much of Medinah yet, going between the Movenpick hotel and the Haram, but already it seems so peaceful, calm and serene. I don’t think any other words can describe the city of the Prophet.
I’ve been largely on my own, not being a ‘groupie’ and all, and I’m glad for it, as I got to interact with the women from other countries a lot. People are all warm toward each other here. It’s amazing how the love for one person can unite such diverse nations. We speak different languages but our hearts beat with the same tune.
On entering Medinah I was so afraid of being deadened to the beauty of the place. Being in transit for nearly 2 days can wreak havoc on one’s emotions. I think I probably used all 12 bags of sabr on the way here!! Hehehe
But immediately after immigration I felt the coolness. It was amazing and all the voices of people back home kept replaying in my head: “Once you get off the plane in Medinah, you will forget everything back home.”
The bus drive to the hotel was awesome too- as we drove closer to the haram, the tears kept welling until my eyelids could no longer contain them and they came pouring down. I could feel my heart being cleansed already.
Once we received the keys to the room I immediately wanted to go to the haram- how can one sleep knowing that the Prophet (PBUH) is just outside? SubhanAllah! He is here now!
But that plan was crushed as the doors to the ladies section closes at 11pm. In hindsight I suppose it was better to have been fresh and clean when greeting the Prophet for the first time.
We went in at 7am the next morning and waited for about two and and half hours before we could make salaah on the Rawdah and do our greeting.
It was surreal- as I made sujood I could actually feel my body lifting-defying gravity, in a non-physical sense. And my shoulders just shook- my whole body shivered. I didn’t think I would have that kind of reaction-crazy-crowd and all-but I did.
I think what helped me a lot was the dua’s I made as a traveller: I asked Allah to make me worthy of this experience, to make my heart permeable to the barakah of it, so to speak.
The power of dua’ is something that I struggle to comprehend. I’m not a dua’ person. But this trip has taught me a thing or two about making dua’ and its importance. I’ve seen this manifested in the dua’ I made about being blinded to all evil, ugliness and negativity- on the advice of two colleagues. It really works- I love everyone here! Even if they don’t love me that much when they nearly push me to the ground and trample on my head whilst making sujood! But I love them non-the-less. I love the air, the cleanliness, the truthfulness and the people of Medinah! May Allah bring me back again and again, let me live here, die here and resurrect me with those who are buried here, amen.
Week 3- Hajj Classes
Alhamdullilah, this week has been a blessing in disguise. I wasn’t going to attend classes- I found some good excuses not to and really believed that they were legitimate reasons- but I would have missed out some vital soul food.
My teacher spoke about fasting and zakaat- the last of the acts of ibada’t before we get to hajj. Fasting is a means to taqwa, and taqwa is simply unexplainable, he said. Zakaat is a means of purifying your wealth and all of our physical ibada’t: wudhu, salaah, fasting, zakaat and hajj, are means to bring us “down to earth”- to keep our nafs in check as I understand it.
Now zakaat and sadaqat is something that is quite like a slippery slope because it deals with wealth- and wealth deals with money-and we like to be tricky with money. I learnt that you cannot avoid paying zakaat by giving sadaqat; you cannot spend your money so that it becomes below the nisab value just before the zakaat is due; and that you cannot give your zakaat to family members, because they are your responsibility anyway.
This last bit of information has really made me ponder. My parents have a lot of debt and yet my husband and I have savings that we pay zakaat on. We cannot give them the zakaat, but how do we help them to pay the debt short of giving all of our life savings to them? (my husband’s life savings that is!). This is something to look into.
Another point to ponder was the goal he set for us- in terms of preparing ourselves to become close to Allah. He said that we all should by now be waking up for tahajud at least once a week and then we need to steadily increase it until we are doing it each night. Now this is something I am struggling with since the birth of my daughter. Every now and then I set a goal that I will wake up for tahajud and every time I turn the alarm off and politely turn my cheek away from Allah who is waiting for me. Now I really have a challenge.
It’s not that I want to make tahajud because my teacher said we should, or because that is what must be done if you going on hajj- no. Performing tahajud every day use to be like breakfast for me- I couldn’t go a day without it. That was before I married and had lots of responsibilities. But I’ve always had this personal goal of wanting to get back to that spiritual high in my life- wanting to once again feel the presence of angels surround you in the dark of the night while all else is asleep. I want to again have such a strong connection with my Rabb that He controls whatever I say, do, think and am. And that connection came, for me, with tahajud.
One of my niyahs for when I come back from hajj was that I would be at that point to be able to sacrifice sleep and pray. But what the teacher said hit home: if you not doing it now, you not going to do it when you come back.” (that’s what it was in a nutshell anyway)
So now my first hajj challenge has begun: to perform tahajud at least once a week. The goal is set, the mind is ready for the challenge, but will the body obey… Find out in next week’s… Journal of a young hajji! (lol).
Week 2: hajj classes
In the past Muslims would travel for 6 months to get to Mecca, and this travel in itself served as a spiritual cleanser and preparer for the act of hajj. This bit of information struck me deep- technically, that would mean that I should be preparing myself now for the hajj period 2011.
This is what hajj classes are supposed to be doing- it should be gearing you up spiritually to meet your beloved Prophet PBUH and to stand before the House of Allah. Choosing the right class is as pertinent as choosing the right travel agent: it all makes for a smooth hajj. In actual fact, we want to choose the “smooth operator”! (I couldn’t resist!)
Allah be praised, I’ve found a teacher that suits me- two, actually. This week I almost felt my heart being washed in a basin of salt-water; dirt and grime rinsing off of it. It’s not spotless, not yet anyway, but it’s the beginning of my rebirth, or so I would like to believe.
“Hajj starts here, on the soil of your homeland.” This is what both teachers have been stressing in the lessons and it really makes sense.
My hajj has been going well so far- I have learnt to be cognizant about my ablution (whudhu), and I’ve re-entered into a relationship with the Prophet Muhammad PBUH. My teacher evoked this image of the Day of Judgment, when all of mankind would be running toward the various prophets asking for help, only to be turned down by all except one: the last and final messenger of course. The prophet SAW would immediately say yes, he would help and prostrate before Allah on our behalf. Then he would get up and say the ‘tahiyaat’, as we all do in the last part of our prayer. This would then be answered by Allah Himself as per the second part of the tahiyat.
The mental picture this portrays is really something- I could not help crying. Fresh tears are always something to be grateful for- it shows that the heart is still soft and can still be moulded to suit Allah’s pleasure. I’m hoping for tears in abundance for the rest of my hajj, in particular the peak- the actual five days of hajj. Somehow tears are the physical manifestation of the soul’s purification.
So now I’m waiting for the next class- until then, I will pass my days in a sort of stupor. Because there is much excitement in learning about one’s Lord. This is why I breathe. This is why I love. This is why I live.
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