WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN AT?

[If you can’t handle the truth, refrain from reading]

I know a couple of single sisters who are about to pass their ‘best before’ dates. In fact they may be more than a couple, maybe even three couples. Two days ago I was telling my husband (yes, I’m a married woman writing this, so shoot me!) that I was so happy to be married already. I hated having to deal with the stress of ‘looking’ for a partner. I aptly use the word “stress” for that is what it boils down to once you hit the age of no return. Lucky for me, that looking only lasted a couple of months. God forbid, if it had to last longer, I think I would’ve raised the white flag and resorted to going  solo.

But what about the argument (based on truth mind you, I’m not refuting that) that God knows when the time is best and He brings it into your life when you are ready (tawakal al Allah)?

If I look around me and see so many of my sisters unmarried and waiting to be discovered by some handsome, do-gooder, Greek mythology-figure look-alike, I reckon that there’s something missing in the above line of reasoning.

It clicked the other day when speaking to my 25-year old friend who happens to attract all the wrong kind of man, all at the wrong kind of times, all year-round: SA Muslim women are figuring it out all wrong!

Let’s rationalise:

  • If you grew up with a western approach to gender-isation, then you probably are of the sort that wants a man to come after you.
  • If you grew up with the idea that being financially stable and living in comfort is the norm, then you probably looking for a man that can provide the best for you and your future family.
  • If you are looking for a decent man, who has all his screws fixed tightly in all the right places, then you probably want him to be a good Muslim too.
  • If you want a good Muslim man who won’t be keen on committing fornication (zina), then you are probably of the sort that does not want to mix too freely with the opposite sex.
  • To conclude: This is the predicament you are in:

———-You want a decent man. You don’t want to date him for too long or at all for some. You want him to be financially stable. You want him to find you.—————–

My 25-year old sister I was talking about earlier tells me that she wants to relax now and let a man come after her. She says that’s ALL she wants! I often used to say that too. “I don’t want much”. But looking at our little rationale above, it is too much! It is so so much.

The question then to ask is not “WHERE ARE ALL THE DECENT MEN AT?” but rather: “Why do I want so much, and don’t want to do anything about it?”

If you are single, and answered yes to all the points in the rationale, then you are like I am. But I changed when I realised that being like me, is not going to help me get anywhere closer to my goals in life. And yes, a big goal was to be married.

So, what changed in my life and how did I go about getting my man? Well, let’s see:

  • The first step is always to turn to Allah SWT and ASK for what you want. I don’t mean like as a passing remark in your daily conversation with Allah. I mean a straightforward, intentional dua’ specifically for marriage.

-I use to read Hajaat salaah (a special Sunnah salaah made at the time of need) every day without fail for the need of marriage. I also used to make dua’ fervently for a few months specifically for a good, pious husband.

    • The next rule is: GO FOR IT. When a family member or friend wants to hook you up with someone, even if that someone is “not your type”- go for it!

-A friend at campus wanted to hook me up with her husband’s friend,  who was not at all my type. I agreed after much begging on her part. It ended up being bad- and we went our separate ways. But it taught me a lot about what I did not want in a husband. (Mind you this does not give you free reign to date in the Western sense of the word)

  • Rule three: DON’T SAY NO. When my husband asked me if I wanted to see if we were compatible for marriage, my initial reaction was: No way! But then I remembered my dua’s and I thought: “If this is Allah’s fulfilment of my dua’, then how can I throw it back in His SWT face?” So I made istikhara salaah to see if I should pursue it and it was positive, and we ended being married happily ever after 🙂
  • Looks are DECEIVERS. This golden rule is well worth remembering. A sister told me that she couldn’t stand this guy that wanted to date her because he had a slight shine to his nose! Well, it was a moment of intense laughter for me, but after that I realised how superficial us women can be. Once you look past the exterior, you will find that most of the good guys out there have some sort of physical characteristic that is unpleasing to you. This sister is now going out with this guy who is so good to her, more than any other guy she has ever dated.

-Most of the married sisters I know confess that it took a while before they became physically attracted to their future husbands, but once they past that threshold, then the physical became uncontrollable! 🙂  It’s true that most women are more attracted to personality than looks, especially if the guy has good character and treats you like a princess!

  • My sister went to a bridal shower recently and the girls all told of how they hooked up with their husbands. One of the lessons that she took out of that exercise was that a girl should not go out with her ‘kurta’ every day. If you are a hijabi, then like me you probably feel most comfortable in a thobe. But this lesson is important, even for me as a married woman. Men are not like women, they prefer women who are pretty, duh! So dress pretty, but remember to cover your ‘awra’!
  • PROPOSE! Or ask a friend to make a move on your behalf by finding out what he thinks of you. I went to a movie shop the other day and I saw a movie that had a front cover with a woman (Sandra Bullock I think), on one knee holding up a wedding ring to a guy. If Hollywood can make an entire movie about this then why can’t we as Muslim women, the inheritors of the most famous woman-proposal in history, return to our legacy?

-My friend kind of proposed to her husband and they wed in April this year. Now, she is not a bold person, on the contrary, she has never had a boyfriend before her husband. But she mustered up the courage and voila, it was a beautiful match. Such courage is applaudable.

  • And finally, this one is for the mothers and fathers reading this post. If you have daughters of marriageable age and intellect, then DO SOMETHING FOR GOD’S SAKE! Don’t just wait for some miracle to happen. If you are not going to find them someone and you do not want them to intermix freely with the opposite sex, then chances are that they are going to rebel, or become that unwanted wall-flower in the living-room of your house. Yes, wall flowers are real, and some women actually do not take pride in being one, thank you very much.

All in all the bottom line is that some sort of effort has to be made on the girl’s behalf. After all, we make the effort and then put our trust in Allah SWT to play His part, and that is the true meaning of Tawakal.

I hope that this post will shed some light into the matter. It certainly has for me. I am now on a man-finding mission for my friends who are single. (any interested (and decent) males out there reading this, let me know! lol). I am saddened for them, and I see it all around me. I see unmarried women more than unmarried males, (maybe coz I am a female?), I see women who are career-orientated so much so that they believe that they do not want to be married, and I see women who are forced to be career-orientated because marriage is no longer an option for them.

May Allah make it easy for all our single sisters in keeping their hayaa and finding a righteous man, ameen.

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8 thoughts on “WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN AT?

  1. I think the fear many women have is that, by making the first move, they’ll be seen as being “too forward” – lacking modesty etc.

    How do you counter that fear?

  2. That is why i say that we have been “engendered” by the west- that a woman cannot propose and that if she does she will be seen as forward…

    look to be honest, i don’t know if i would outright propose to a guy, although sometimes i think i would if i was in a dire situation, but a proposal does’nt have to mean: go down on one knee and ask him to marry you.

    a woman could get a friend to ask the guy she is interested in if he would be interested in her (Khadija RA asked her friend to approach the Prophet SAW and ask him what he thought of her)
    she could also approach her parents to approach his parents (and be like a totally “innocent” participant, as if it was her parents idea- if he says no then it saves her embarrasment)

    or, she could outright propose, without knowing his thoughts regarding her and more than likely, if he is a decent guy, then he will say yes.

    look, obviously the guy she is proposing to has to be of like-mind- i.e he has to also want marriage now and want it to happen in the right manner. if you like some kind of hot guy who is a complete flirt and you propose to him, my gosh, his head will probably burst!

    i would advice to first find out a bit about him and the type of wife he is looking for and ask yourself if you are that person. be honest, and ask your friends!

    anyway, you are a guy so why don’t you, as a guy, give some pointers on chasing a girl? 😉

  3. Assalamu Alaikum,

    I want to applaud you for:
    i) Hitting the nail on the head.
    ii) Speaking my thoughts.
    iii) Doing this topic justice.

    You did a fantastic job. Jazakallah khair! No doubt I’ll be covering this soon when I return from Umrah with my findings and from a brothers perspective.

    My blog is about all kinds of whacky things (mainly marriage) and you should drop by some time you might even have a laugh or two whilst you’re here.

    p.s Pleaseeeeee move over to Blogger! 🙂

  4. soulseek? why blogger?

    i wish i could email this post to all my single sisters. i think i attempted it but they just ignored me!! lol

    stubborness- that is the prblm. my one friend gets so many proposals from so many good guys but she is so fussy!!! and then she complains about being the last of the girls in our circle of friends who are single!

    women are sooooo stubborn.

    will be interesting to see what u come up with… my husband has some good posts on his blog too re: marriage and finding that someone. we actually met through blogging and speaking about finding that someone!!!

  5. thnks

    yeah, it made me laugh so much when she told me that was the reason she wouldn’t give him a chance!! I HAD TO TELL HER THERE AND THEN THAT SHE WAS BEING SUPERFICIAL!

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