WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN AT? June 23, 2010

[If you can’t handle the truth, refrain from reading]

I know a couple of single sisters who are about to pass their ‘best before’ dates. In fact they may be more than a couple, maybe even three couples. Two days ago I was telling my husband (yes, I’m a married woman writing this, so shoot me!) that I was so happy to be married already. I hated having to deal with the stress of ‘looking’ for a partner. I aptly use the word “stress” for that is what it boils down to once you hit the age of no return. Lucky for me, that looking only lasted a couple of months. God forbid, if it had to last longer, I think I would’ve raised the white flag and resorted to going  solo.

Raising the Righteous (part 2) May 24, 2010

FROM BIRTH:

What you put in is what you get out:

I have never been any good with recipes, but I do recognise that the ingredients that go into a cake will be the ultimate determinants of the cake. Similarly, parents can make or break a child, simply by the lifestyle they choose to lead. The Prophet SAW reportedly said:

Every child is born with a pure fitrah (nature)- until he becomes able to express himself. It is the parents who then turn him into a Jew, a Christian, a Magian, or a pagan… (Bukhari & Muslim).

From the above we see that the most critical aspect of child-rearing is upbringing with purpose and thought. Without noble intentions, parents may well be rearing sheep! This is a HUGE responsibility on the parents’ behalf, one which they will be accountable for on the day of judgement.

For example, parents can either be very weary of what the child eats or can simply make sure that the child stays away from pork and alcohol. Allah tells all His messengers to eat of that which is wholesome, and they will be able to perform good deeds. Ask yourself: what are the ingredients? Who prepared the food? Where is it coming from? Am I purchasing it from a halaal income?

Secondly, parents need to feed their kids food for their souls. This entails feeding them with the barakah of Allah’s deen, by exposing them to the Quraan, the Sunnah, the Seerah of the Prophet SAW, the Masjid, and righteous gatherings.

The importance of the Masjid in the family life cannot be overemphasised. Rassullullah SAW reportedly stated that the most blessed land on earth is the Masjid. Thus if you desire to raise a righteous child, be sure to live close to the Masjid and attend the salaahs, gatherings, thikrs and talks often.

The dua’ of our beloved father, Prophet Ebrahim AS, makes it clear as to what our hopes and goals should be for our family:

“Oh Our Lord – verily I have left my family in a barren valley with no food or sustenance but I am leaving them there by your blessed home; oh Our Lord but I am leaving them there so that they may establish the salaah.”

Thus we see that establishing the salaah, which encompasses all forms of righteousness, should be our first and foremost goal for our children and ourselves. Seeing to their material needs is only secondary to this. Performing the five daily prayers cannot be overemphasised. Both parents need to be exaples to their kids by ensuring that they pray all their obligatory prayers and on the stipulated time. There is no such thing as ‘taraweeh’ outside of the month of Ramadaan- hence one cannot come home after a working day and slot all your prayer in after the kids are asleep.

This is essential even soon after a child is born as one’s home can be filled with nur and blessings which will emanate from the newborn baby, Allah Willing.

Chilli chutney sauce January 17, 2010

This recipe was inspired by a very disturbing dream I recently had: I was a single mom, widowed at the tender age of 25 and was now, three years later, seeing an old acquaintance who wanted to marry me and look after my kid. The dream was exciting, but realistically depressing. Why would I dream of something so absurd when I was happily married for 2 wholesome years and both my husband and I are both fit as really worn-out fiddles?

It was not hard for me to realise the answer, which is a problem in my marriage and I’m guessing yours as well, or someone you know, since you’re still reading this. This problem is boredom. We all want some ‘spice’ in our lives, and rightly so. The nature of our nafs is that we gyrate toward pleasure. And things that are new, exciting and exhilarating are pleasurable to individuals; male and female.

To rekindle that burning flame that once was, I came up with a list, which is meant to spice up my love-life and add years of exhilaration to my marriage insha Allah. If any other old married farts out there want to add on to the list, please feel free to comment, it is badly needed, especially in Muslim societies.

Recipe for Chilli Chutney Sauce (you will need an old married couple for this one!)

• Dress and look good for each other.

Ok, we all know this but how many of us actually do it? If it’s not baby vomit that’s decorating your outfit then curry marks will certainly do the trick. My husband and I decided to have weekends as dress-up days. This means that on a Friday we know to start preparing for the upcoming two days. This in itself causes excitement to build up, like you’re 18, going on a date. (Not that we know much about dating of course!)

This also includes hair, shoes, perfume and accessories. Remember to dress up for each other and not just when you’re going outside of the house.

• Use Miswaak!

Yes this Sunnah is there for a really good reason. Believe me, you get to a stage in your marriage when garlic breath is no more offensive to your spouse than freshly ground coffee beans! Or that’s what you think! There is nothing worse than kissing your man who has stale breath. If the Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessings be upon him) cared so much about fresh breath, why is this then not on our priority list? OK, make this point number one.

• Compliment each other, and mean it!

Ladies: accept the compliments.  Oftentimes I feel as though my husband doesn’t really mean it when he says nice things about me. Which is just a projection of my negativity toward my body-image. Here I would advise women to leave behind their own insecurities and simply say thank you/ jazakAllah to a compliment. Husbands: say it like you mean it! A half-hearted effort at a compliment really does not go a long way!

• Try harder

As if you would in a pre-marital relationship. Yes we all know that married people do not have the time to sit two hours cooing on the phone to each other but there are small things that can be done. For example, the points on this list.

• Have a date day

Put aside a day/night once a month to go out, without the kids. And don’t just go for lunch/supper and a movie. Try new things: play a game of tennis or go go-carting or something out of the ordinary.

• Hold hands

Hold hands in public, whilst driving in the car, during long walks or even whilst watching T.V. This will make you feel like newly weds again.

• Eliminate any ugly habits.

Such as farting at the eating table or screaming at each other during a row.

Ladies: let’s invest in some hayaa (shyness) toward our husbands. He has seen the worst of you but it does not mean that he has to see that side all the time. Try to be like the sweet maiden you once were before you wed. Yes, this is a gender-discriminatory point.

• Have discussions

Talk about things other than the children, in-laws and money. This could be hard at first. The weather is a good place to start!

• E-mail each other

Even if it’s just a smiley, an e-mail a-day keeps those lurking eyes at bay. Your name in your spouse’s inbox at the office serves as a good reminder of your marriage.

• Feed each other

When eating, don’t only feed yourself, feed them too: not only does it go to the stomach but to the heart as well. This is a Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) with his wife Aishah.

• Smile

As much as possible, especially in times of stress, remember to smile at each other. After all it is a form of Sadaqat!

• Make dua’

Not least of all, make dua’ for contentment, happiness and excitement in your marriage, until death do you part. We do what we have to and put our trust in Allah. It is He alone that makes a happy marriage.