Nothing can prepare you for the five days of hajj. In my opinion. Tomorrow is the day of Tarwiyah, the 8th of Thul Hijjah, the first day of the five days of hajj. I am nerve wracked. Even as I write this my fingers are unsteady over the keyboard.
Even more unsteady is my mind, racing back and forth between the arkhaans of hajj, the compulsory acts, the sunnah acts, the concessions to make it a little bit easier, the dua’s for Arafat, the dua’s for people back home, the spiritual nature of hajj, the physical strain it will take on me- subhanAllah- the list can go on for a while.
Forgotten is Madinah. Forgotten is my first Umrah, the first sight of the Kaba. Even forgotten is the haram. My mind’s eye can only see Arafat. There is nothing now but Arafat and my relationship with Allah. Not even the beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is a thought in my mind- all I am searching for and all I hope to find on the day of Wuqoof is my Allah.
For so long I have been waiting for this moment, and yet it seems as if it came too soon. Why did I not prepare enough? All that time wasted shopping in Madinah, sitting and talking in the Haram between waqts- time wasted, time gone! Regrets that is perhaps pre-emptive of the Day of our return to our Lord; the Day of Judgement.
Regrets aside, there is only now. The best advice I can take for myself and give to others is to focus on the moment. Every moment in these five days is precious and if I look ahead too much I might find myself having gone through the entire hajj rituals, without really finding my hajj. Finding my purpose. Finding out why Allah has called me here, out of billions to choose from-me.
Since the time I knew I was going for hajj I had always felt myself unworthy of the invitation. During this trip that thought has been amplified. I have seen people whose backs are bent at right angles to their legs- making tawaaf around the Kaba, in the heat of the blazing sun. I have seen women as old as the oldest lady I know and even older than that, prostate for long periods, right down to the floor. I have seen men without arms, women without an iota of meat on their bones- stay the entire day in the haram, just to be close to the Kaba. I personally know of a lady who has cancer eating away her ribs, but ready to Labayk in the presence of her Lord-constant pain and all. My sheikh told us about a man who was doing a walking hajj on his hands, as he had no feet!
What am I doing here in the midst of these dedicated people? I have no idea. That is me being brutally honest. I don’t deserve this, yet Allah has called me to find Him. My sincere hope in myself is that when I return I will return as someone who met her Lord, like Moosa (AS), and who has been given an instruction in that meeting, to carry the message of The One Illah. That I will fulfil this covenant and live only for the Pleasure of Allah.
With regard to regrets, we often don’t appreciate things – including free time – until it’s gone. May you remember all your lessons from the trip – including this one about regret – and have the strength, commitment, and connection with Allah to be able to live this Hajj for your remaining life…